raloria - Screencapping Goddess (raloria) wrote,
raloria - Screencapping Goddess

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Two Sides Of The Same Coin

I can't win.

My aunt heaps thank you's and praise on me for every little thing I do for her. Frankly, it makes me feel uncomfortable. It's too much. But she hands out appreciation like it's free candy.

Then there's my mom (her sister) who rarely thanks me for anything and when she does it's as if she's only doing it because it's expected of her. Nothing I do is good enough or up to her standards. I know, I know...a common complaint amongst all daughters. But I work my tail off and still she's not happy or appreciative.

Like just now....couldn't scrub the pans clean enough for her while I was doing the dishes. Nevermind that my back is killing me and I've been working on them all afternoon. So she scrubbed them instead. Then I cleaned the last cookie sheet, scrubbing the hell out it with steel wool, my arms aching and my hands shaking. I made sure it passed her inspection before I called it done. Somehow it was deemed "fine". Then I started cleaning up/putting things away and she wouldn't let me. I'm sure because I wasn't doing a good enough job. She basically ordered me to go sit down. *sigh*

Keep in mind I had to wake her up this afternoon for lunch. We both got up late this morning, except I stayed awake and she went back to sleep after breakfast. I reminded her that she wanted to do some laundry today. It wasn't until I got her up that she started doing anything. Meanwhile, I'd been up and doing things since 11:00.

And of course, she was pissed when she came into my room and found that I wasn't working on our Xmas letter but was online doing stuff with SPN. Love how she broaches the subject too. She's so damned transparent. She'll ask me what I'm doing. Then I know I'm in for it. She does it every. damn. time. A lot of times I just jump to the chase and ask her what she wants, 'cause I know what's coming. I'm going to say LJ/SPN stuff, she'll sigh and complain that I'm not doing such and such that I'm supposed to be doing and then tell me I need to quit wasting time with that stuff and get busy. This time I simply told her there was still tonight to work on it. At least she didn't say anything more after that. But I'm guessing my failure to work on the Xmas letter yet is the cause of her little dish washing tirade.

I'm approaching 40, but my mom still orders me about like I'm five. It's so infuriating. And yeah, I'm still kind of effing bitter about being stuck with basically caring for 3 people (mom, my aunt, & my grandpa on occasion) with no help. I'm honestly not sure how I'm going to feel towards my cousins if I see them this Christmas. I never hear from them and I don't even think they realize what I've been dealing with. All I know is my aunt relies on me because her own kids never have the time to help her. My one cousin, I can understand him not coming to help out. His job is uber intensive and he barely gets any time off...ever. But my other cousin and her husband could certainly spare a weekend or two every now & then. I dunno....I think they're in their own little bubble now & don't even think about the rest of us most of the time.

Pretty sure my mom would be horrified if she knew what I just unloaded here. Too bad. Why is it always about her stress, her pain, her problems? I have my own....not that she cares. She doesn't really care about me except what I can do to help her. If I cry I've been told that I'm "just feeling sorry for myself and to stop it". She also doesn't trust me. If I say I did something she'll double check to be sure.

So yeah, I'm sure my mom's treatment of me all stems back to how her mom treated her. Somehow, I guess my aunt got something different. Either that or my aunt is now overcompensating. I doubt I'll ever have kids, so at least another generation won't be subjected to this. In all honesty, since I haven't been to a doctor in years and I can only imagine I have high blood pressure and who knows what else, I can easily see myself dying fairly early. I'll probably go not long after my mom. After all, I won't have anything left after that.

Damn. I'm sure a lot of this is hormonal. Getting to be that time of the month, so I'm getting more emotional than normal. *sigh* And yeah, I'm crying now. Just for the record. Too much stress from this past week as well, I'm sure. I tend to let things build up until I explode. Sorry for the fallout. Hope I didn't get any on ya.

Tags: emo, ramblings, rant, real life
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