raloria - Screencapping Goddess (raloria) wrote,
raloria - Screencapping Goddess
raloria

Might as well go for broke & spill my guts

I'm already an emotional mess right at the moment, so I might as well get all this out now. Maybe then I'll feel better...or I'll feel worse about myself than I do right now. Either way it's gotta be better than keeping it all bottled up like I have.

Yeah, the similarities between me and Dean are downright scary.



Where to begin? Um...we're still going up to my grandparents house (an hour's drive to the north of us) and cleaning things out. It's an exhausting process not only physically but emotionally. You've got my aunt who wants things and my mom who wants things. Now most of the time they can dicker back and forth and split things up evenly and it all goes well. But we're getting down to the dishes. Ah, the dishes. And I'm talking old, glass plates, vases, etc. Stuff that's been in the family for years and years. Then there's all the plates my grandma collected, the dishware, and all the Avon dishes.

Anyway, long story short. Years ago my grandma had my mom & aunt come and choose what pieces from one cabinet that they wanted to have once she was gone. She supposedly made a list of who was getting what and put a sticker on the bottom of each piece with one of their names. Now we find out my mom & aunt each remember that whole process differently. My aunt says my mom always got to pick first and my mom says the opposite. I was just a kid at the time and only have a vague recollection of the whole thing, so I'm no help in what really happened. They've now decided to do the whole choosing all over again, even though those stickers are still on the pieces. Anyhow, even though they've decided this....my aunt keeps bringing up how my mom always got to choose first. *sigh* Meanwhile, my mom (complaining only to me, btw) brings up how my aunt wants certain things that were supposedly promised to her years ago. So my mom's clearly feeling left out, but does she mention this to my aunt? Nooooo. She complains only to me once we get home! I'm sick of it really. I've told my mom that if she wants things to speak up like I have. But my mom's not really like that. She'll be quiet and then complain how she's been left out of things. *sigh* The tension...I tell ya it's not easy.

So I'm the duck caught in the middle between these two. It's crazy and I feel stressed out every time we go up there because I have to watch what's going on and pay attention ('cause my mom will ask me later about things my aunt did/said). Meanwhile, my cousin K, has only asked for a few things (which my mom didn't like either). And hell, I grab onto a few items myself. Usually it's no biggie and I get it. Every once in a while my aunt may want it too. Then it goes in the "fight pile". Though, like I said there's really been no fighting over anything. My mom & aunt already went through the "fight pile" once. It all got divided up and it was peacefully done. But those dishes....well, we'll see how that all goes.

Anyway, being up there is exhausting. We're lugging things out of rooms, sorting thru stuff, putting it into bags either for Good Will or garbage/recycling, or keeping it for ourselves. I must say in nearly a year's time we've made a lot of progress. Problem is...half of it all is now in our own houses. That's another problem itself.

Our house was not exactly organized before. To put it mildly it was a mess. Now it's twice that due to all the stuff we've brought in from the other house. I keep wanting to start going through things here at home and start getting it out of here, too, but I know my mom will either not want to or do it in such a way that really doesn't accomplish much. She's gotta go through EVERYTHING. And she takes her time at it. No hasty decisions for her. So I keep putting off bringing the subject up because I'm sure she won't go for it. She's "doing it herself". Riiiight. Maybe in another 10 years we'll have a livable house again. In the meantime we're being choked out of it by all the stuff! I just want to make a start. Get some things put out in the garbage/recycling already. Get some areas/rooms a little more organized. I realized just the other day that there's currently no way I'll be able to put up our Christmas tree this year. I can't get over to the piano I put it on because there's too much stuff piled up around it! That's just depressing all the way around. I know only mom & I see our tree, but it is nice to have one. As it is right now, I don't see how it's going to happen this year. :(

*stress stress stress*
Let's see...what else.

We got word a couple of months ago (I think that's how long it was) from my aunt that my cousin K, is pregnant! I was shocked and surprised by this news. We'd heard hints that K and her hubby, J, were considering having kids, but that's as much as we'd heard. Keep in mind, K is 4 years older than me, so she's not exactly young or the usual age women have children. But we've heard that all the tests have turned out fine and that the baby's healthy, which is very good news indeed. K's even going to fix Thanksgiving dinner for us all next week. It'll be the first time we've seen her in months, so I'm looking forward to seeing how she looks baby bump-wise.

Here's the thing...when I first heard the news about the baby you know what felt? Not happiness or joy, but jealousy. WTH??? Yes, jealousy. That and disappointment in myself and anger. It took me a couple of weeks to get over it all. I was jealous 'cause here I've been basically the "baby" of the family (our little circle of relatives around here in WA) all my life. Now there's going to be a new baby in the family. I never expected I'd get jealous like that. I mean, I'm not a kid anymore. It's silly to think that way about a baby. But I did. Then that quickly morphed into disappointment in myself over not being married like K and not having a family. Here my aunt's going to be a grandma and my mom isn't. What a disappointment I must be! So I'm still wallowing in those feelings from time to time. Then there's some well-founded fear. I'm not good with kids, never have been. I never babysat kids as a job when I was in high school and being an only child was hardly ever exposed to any growing up. The few times I've been around babies and kids have been very awkward affairs. How am I going to deal with a baby in the family? I'm really unsure what to expect. My aunt has already said I'll be "Auntie Valerie". Hmm...okay. Weird, but okay. I'll have to see what K thinks about that, I guess.

So now you all know about that. I've been meaning to mention it, but I guess I was still sorting out my own mixed up feelings about it and couldn't find the words to let you all in on it. Like I said, I'm coming to accept it and the feelings are getting better...more positive. It's a slow process. Still a little hard to wrap my brain around the fact that there'll be this new little person added to our family soon. Btw, doubly weird how Jared announced Gen's pregnancy just a couple weeks after I found out about K's.

So is that it? Golly, it feels like there should be more. I'm sure I'm forgetting to mention something.

See, and now I'm going to think that these problems pale in comparison to those of a lot of you. I mean really, what have I got to complain about. I'm healthy (somewhat), I've got my family (what's left of it), got a roof over my head and food to eat. What have I got to complain about??? Why should I be stressed out? I'm just unemployed (and there's another kettle of fish) and live at my computer all day long.

Have I mentioned it's been a crazy week where we've been out doing things every other day? Tuesday we went up to the grandparent's house for a full day there. And Thursday the car was in the shop and we had to wait 4 hours for it. And they had to patch a flat tire and replace the battery. And now we've got this supposedly minor snow threat this weekend. Yeah...silly little stupid things like that.

I might as well talk about my online life while I'm at it. My once brilliant idea of a capping schedule swiftly fell apart once Season 7 started. I'm still trying to get a handle on it all, but it's difficult. I'm downloading and capping Season 7, posting caps of Season 6, while simultaneously capping Seasons 1-5 on BluRay and posting those. It's madness, I tell you. I've gone so far as to make a chart for myself so I know what stage various episodes are in and what I need to do next with them until they're posted. It seems to be helping, but I'm still in the testing stage.

Meanwhile, I'm still trying to pull caps to make Season 6 B&W Fanarts that I wanted to have done over the summer. I'm posting to my 2 LJ comms, I'm trying to make new fanarts to post on Tumblr and on LJ, I need to finish my VanCon reports and post my auto pics and photo-ops. The list goes on and on. And now the holidays are fast approaching which adds new items onto the to-do list. Oh, and I'm a couple of months behind on replying to comments. It's an overwhelming list of things. I keep plugging away. It's all self-inflicted of course. I've got my own mental deadlines for things. Unfortunately, I'm already late on a lot of them. :(

So I get online tonight after a full Thursday and I get myself into some drama on Twitter. I totally jumped the gun and got all offended when I shouldn't have. I went to anger to self-abuse pretty quickly. The problem with it is that it snowballs. I start down this path of negative self-talk and I can't get off it. I'm still kinda in it now. I've already had a good cry, blamed myself for numerous things (like the deaths of my grandparents, uncle, & my dad - see the Dean-ism there?) and generally feel sucky about myself because I've screwed up yet again in the same way from earlier this year. I don't learn from my past mistakes. It's terrible. Thing is...I was sure this would happen again. I knew it. And here it is. And can I really blame it on being attacked (legitimately) on LJ a few times? Or is it really just this terrible character flaw of mine? I see so many things as complaints, as attacks. Is it justified or just mis-communication? I've dealt with some nasty people online (some of which I didn't even know) yet they've all left me scarred somehow. But where does the victimization end and my true character begin? Maybe I really am a drama queen? I must admit being online has brought out my competitiveness and some ugly sides of myself. I do tend to like the attention I've garnered here. I try not to get sucked in by it, but it's hard. Does it make me a bad person though? Maybe so.

Holy crap, this is long! Sorry about that folks. If you've read this whole thing you deserve a HUG! I'm sure I'm leaving some things out (in fact, I'm positive I am, but oh, well) but this is the bulk of what I've been dealing with. What a crazy life it is. Boring and dull, but crazy at times. *sigh*

Yep. Feeling stupid about this post already.
I think I really need some sleep. >.<


Tags: emo, ramblings, rant, real life
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