Two weeks until VanCon and I'm entering panic mode. LOL At the same time I'm struggling with some personal issues. Don't know what it is about it being close to the time of the convention, but I'm having a lot of self-doubt. It's a lot of negative talk about myself and my life.
"Why am I going on this trip to the convention? I don't deserve it. What have I done with my life? Nothing. I don't deserve to go and have fun."
A lot of this...ok, maybe all of it is true. If I take some time to really think about my situation (which I'm doing a lot right now), I really have no right to be going to VanCon. I don't have a job, not even a prospect of getting one, and I live with and take care of my mother. I don't have a life. I barely exist. My family isn't proud of me. All they do is worry about my future.
Not that I'm not doing enough worrying on my own. I know I need to get a job....at something. Problem is, taking care of my family has always come first. I came to the realization about a month ago that if I'd been more selfish I'd probably be in a better place in my life by now. Instead of moving out after high school and getting into life and getting a job, I stayed home...took care of my parents. Guess I should've said "Screw you." and left. But that's not me. Honestly, I wasn't ready to be on my own at that age, but then a lot of people aren't and they plow that path anyway. Wish I'd been bolder. Now I'm stuck, but I can't just up and abandon my mom either. *sigh* Being an only child sucks. :(
How do other people do it? Maybe their parents were better off health-wise compared to mine? Or maybe they just decide to not care? I don't have an answer.
Guess I should catch you all up on mom's situation...
Sorry, this might get a little TMI.
Her breast (the one she was operated on back in 2010 for cancer) is still bleeding. She's been sent to a local Wound Care Clinic inside the hospital I was born in. We were given various scenarios of what could happen from best to worst. Best - she goes into a hyperbaric chamber every day for a month for 90 min. each and hope the extra oxygen gets the wound to heal. Worst - she gets a mastectomy with a breast implant. The middle ground would be an operation where they cut away all the bad, radiated tissue and bring over a patch of her back to put over it. This is why the bleeding won't stop. The radiated tissue heals very slowly and the Wound Care doctor believes there's still an infection in there that's stopping it from completely healing.
We've told them about our up-coming vacation, so they're going to wait with the hyperbaric chamber until afterwards. Looks like our September is going to be very busy. In the meantime, we need to go to the clinic every Monday so they can inspect the wound and put a new special dressing on. They also send us home with some supplies just in case we need to change it sooner. With any luck, the hyperbaric chamber will work and mom won't need surgery. I know she really doesn't want a mastectomy as in her words, "If I'd wanted that I would've gone that route with the first operation." So we'll go from one option to the next and see which one works. File this under, "I knew life was getting too quiet." *sigh*
In other news...we're still at my aunt's house. No, we haven't had a chance to work on our house yet. Now it'll have to wait until after VanCon and after all this business with mom...whenever that will be. If the weather turns cold by then we could be here for quite a while. Meanwhile, my cousins aren't exactly on speaking terms, which sucks royally. See...there was this huge fight between them the day of my aunt's funeral and things haven't been the same since. It's terrible. Time has healed some of the wounds, but now my oldest cousin, R, says he really doesn't need his sister, K, in his life. He's not even going to go see the baby or have anything to do with K and her husband....and he's okay with that. Uh, yeah, right. Anyway, the whole ordeal is long and crazy and frustrating and I really don't want to get into it now. We're merely on the outside looking in on the whole mess anyway. R is busy dealing with the estates of my aunt and our grandpa. Lots of lawyers and time. Meanwhile he's working almost non-stop and we hardly ever hear from him. It's sad what's happened to our little "family" of relatives. Half are now dead and what's left aren't exactly communicating well. It's really depressing.
In the meantime, I'm knee deep in the Locations List and lamenting the fact that all my LJ friends must be thinking I'm ignoring them. I'm not, I promise. It's simply that this project and getting ready for VanCon is taking up all my time these days. Doesn't keep me from feeling bad though. I've missed some birthdays and didn't respond to some major happenings in your lives and for that I am truly sorry. I hope you can forgive me.
I have some hope/confidence that the Locations List will be completed by my deadline next Wednesday. All that's left is making the PDFs and adding locations to the Google Maps. I keep telling myself that the Google Maps will be easy, but at the same time I have to remember that none of the Season 7 locations are on there. Yikes. That's the scary part. And now I'm feeling bad for taking the time to make this whole post when I should be working on the LL. See...this is why I haven't been making any personal posts like this, even though I feel I should be. I think, "LL or update my Flist about what's happening?" Lately the LL has been winning. I made an exception today...or maybe I just felt like talking at long last.