I love SPN, have from...well, not day 1 w/the Pilot, but by 1x12 Faith I was totally hooked. My love and devotion has never wavered...until now. Believe me, I'm as shocked by this change as you are.
Now I'll be the first to say that I'm wrong about this, because I am self-diagnosing here. But I'm adding up all the signs and putting things together as best I can.
Here's what I know:
I've been struggling with depression for the past several months. My RL is extremely stressful because of taking care of my mom 24/7 and our living situation. The depression has made me stop doing a lot of things and not doing these things has in turn, fueled more depression. It's a cycle/hole I can't seem to dig myself out of. I am trying. I didn't get into this mess overnight and it won't be solved that way either. Isn't there a saying about all humans being a work in progress? That's certainly correct for me!
I think the depression & stress has been coupled with an unfair high expectation of what SPN Season 15 should be. I was really disappointed with the first 2 episodes of the season. The third was a little better, the fourth was a big step up in improvement, and the fifth was definitely up to the standards I'm used to for the show. This was NOT how I expected Season 15 to start out. I wanted epic - that's not what I got. Again, probably too high expectations. I'm sure a lot of us are guilty of that. There's been so much hype over this final season, how can the expectations not be exalted & astronomical?
My hope, is that by the time the season is over and with repeated viewings that the season will be a satisfying one. I remember being pretty disappointed with Season 12, too. I was so hung up on the long, drawn out reveal about the BMOL true intentions that I wasn't enjoying a lot of the episodes as I expected. But once I rewatched the season as one whole, instead of having to wait a week or more between episodes, it all smoothed out into something much more enjoyable. Perhaps this will be Season 15's fate as well. Time will tell.
Plus, as I said, the episodes are improving and we're only up to episode 6. There's a lot of the season left to go. It's hard to really tell where the writers will take this season, but I believe in them. I know they want to make this enjoyable, satisfying season for everyone. Realistically, I know that's impossible, people are bound not to like the end, but I hope I will be happy with it. I'm trying to be optimistic here, despite a lot of the negativity I see on Twitter. Ugly stuff. My involvement in some of it has not been good. *sigh*
Anyway, you put all of this together and it's a pretty murky, dark soup. It ain't pretty.
Then we have the fact that I've been posting things about SPN here on LJ since 2006. Now I looked it up and I didn't really kick into high gear until the beginning of 2007, when I was posting almost every day. Then in Feb of 2008 with the start of the Just 'Cause posts, I was posting every single day. That's a long friggin' time to post about a TV show! Almost 13 years straight, daily!
I've honestly been feeling burned out for at least a year, maybe a little longer. But I still loved the show and I wanted to keep things going. I loved posting about the show every day. Well...that feeling has faded. What I used to really enjoy isn't working for me anymore - a classic burn out symptom. I haven't even done any of my offline hobbies in over a month now, my journaling, artsy stuff. I just haven't felt like doing it. Hello, depression.
I looked up some online articles about burn out, and while they're talking about work, I could easily adjust these to my feelings and situation.
Some signs of burnout:
1. Severe exhaustion. (yep)
2. Excessive workload. (self-imposed, but yes)
3. Cynicism. ("no point to anything, no sense of accomplishment" - yep)
4. Emotionally draining work. (just keeping up w/my LJ comms, posting here, all the projects I've got going on - totally draining)
5. Absence of positive emotions. ("Even what you used to enjoy outside work feels meaningless." Yep, yep)
6. Catastrophic thoughts. ("I can't do this anymore." yep, esp. about positively_spn)
In essence, I've hit a brick wall. I love SPN, but the high energy and enthusiasm I had for it is nearly gone. And I don't want to feel this way! I want to get to get my vivid passion for the show back! I realize it probably hasn't seemed that way, but I put on a good show online. Though if anyone has noticed, my LJ posts have slowed down quite a bit lately. The motivation just isn't there anymore. But I've been doing this for so long that I just can't stop. Not completely.
I've decided on what I hope will be a solution: To give myself a little break. To take a bit of the pressure of posting off.
For the whole month of December there will NOT be any Just 'Cause posts on the weekends.
So basically, no posts to LJ at all each weekend.
Either this will help me, or it won't. Maybe I won't even like it and go back to posting. I honestly don't know, but right now it feels like the thing to do. I need a little break, if only on the weekends. I'd like to start off the new year refreshed, not dragging my heels. For the record, I've thought of doing this for a year or so - just couldn't get myself to actually take the step.
So in a way, I'm a little thankful the show is coming to an end at last. While I want to keep posting about the show after it's over, I think the pressure to post so much will definitely lessen for me. I can't say now what that will be, we'll have to wait and see. I'm sure it will be difficult to let go of something that has been a part of my life for so long (as it has been w/us all). What it will mean for our little LJ fandom community is also another unknown. Will we all still talk about the show, post fanfic, fanart, & thoughts about it? I hope so.
Well, I hope this all makes sense and that I haven't overburdened you all with too much reading.
I'll be making a post on my journal about taking the weekends of Dec. off (haven't decided about if it should be in the sidebar or the top post). Wish me luck! This might actually be a challenge for me, even though right now I'm looking forward to the time off. :P
In closing: I still love SPN, but for numerous reasons, the motivation & passion for the show has lessened. I want to get that back. Hopefully, by January I'll find improvement. ♥